When Existing Feels Like a Crime: A Girl’s Silent Cry

Today, an overwhelming wave of emotions washed over me. The kind that leaves you questioning everything, from your worth to your very existence. Being ignored by those you love—your parents, your siblings, even your partner—puts you in a place where the echoes of "no one wants you" become deafening. I am in that place right now.

I can't remember the last time I truly felt chosen. Life has always seemed to slip through my fingers. I’ve tried to find love and acceptance, but every door feels closed. No one has ever let me be myself. As a girl raised by traditional Indian parents, I often feel like just existing in this world is a crime. Freedom is a luxury I don’t have. My parents say they are "letting me do things," as if my life is a privilege they grant me, not my own to live. It feels like I am constantly shackled, every dream and desire weighed down by invisible chains.

Even in love, where I thought I’d find solace, disappointment met me. My boyfriend, the one person I hoped would see me, choose me, cherish me—he, too, found someone else more deserving. It stings. It feels like my luck is cursed, like I am destined to be a second choice, a shadow lurking behind brighter lights.

Unconditional love. It feels like a myth to me. A beautifully wrapped gift I’ve never received. I’ve seen it in stories, in the eyes of others, but never in my own life. I've never felt desired or celebrated. No one has ever looked at me with pride, with the warmth of acceptance. It feels as if I am a failure, a lost soul drifting through life without an anchor.

My depression has reached its limit. It is a constant cloud over my head, and I don’t know how to control it. The weight of sadness, the feeling of being unwanted, and the lack of freedom—it’s all too much. Sometimes, I feel like I am merely existing, not living.

But amidst all this darkness, there is one light. My Mahadev. In the silence of my prayers, in the stillness of my soul, I feel Him. He is the only one who has chosen me, the only one who knows my heart and cradles my spirit. I don't wish to harm myself; life is precious. But I do wish for a peaceful escape, a gentle transition to where I can finally feel loved, seen, and free—without the chains of worldly expectations.

Writing this is not a cry for help but a release. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. There are countless hearts beating in rhythm with mine, longing for love, for acceptance, for freedom. And perhaps, just maybe, sharing my truth will bring solace to another. Because in this world of shadows, even a small light can guide you home.